Reinventing Batman

When I was a kid I loved Superheros.  Halloween was the best because you could dress like one and get paid in candy for it, but you never had to suffer the heartbreak of loving the lady hero or getting punched in the face. It was the perfect excuse to put on spandex pants and knock on all your neighbor's doors.  As I got older I started thinking about how weird Batman really is.  He's nuts! He dresses up in gray spandex costume in a secret cave under his house and fights a guy who wears make up and a purple suit.  Take that to Denny's and Grand Slam it!

Don't even get me started about Robin.  In the original series Robin didn't get pants. Pants!  Here's a 15 year-old kid wearing a red spandex unitard and beating criminals senseless with his bare legs!  No wonder the Batgirl wasn't interested, you named yourself after the most docile bird in the history of America.  At least be the humming bird, which has a reputation as the bad boy of the backyard.  Robins just eat worms and throw them up in their kids' mouths.  You have names from the whole animal kingdom at your disposal and you choose Robin.  That's like naming your dog Blanche, just spay it now.

The worst by far is Superman.  Its hard to imagine a more boring Superhero than the one who can't be hurt and reports the news on his free time.  What challenge is there to overcome? Oh sure, he can be hurt by a very specific type of green geode, but that's just stupid.  He can't be hurt by a tank, but if I put this magic green rock near him he'll faint!  "Damn! They found out about the quartz!" Done, son.  That's why Superman never goes hiking, because he might stumble upon some Kryptonite in the mountains where Jimmy can't save him by throwing the rock 10 feet away.  He can shoot lazers out his of his eye balls and has x-ray vision, but he never sees the rock coming and he never shoots it down.

There are actual psychologists who have analyzed the villains in the Batman Comic book series.  Wow.  But because of these "neat" people Christopher Nolan has been able to reinvent the Batman with a suit that's made of armor and not lycra-spandex, and given us Bane who is the scariest villain of all time.  Thank you for reinventing the Batman so I don't feel weird about dressing up in spandex as a child!