Worse is the knowledge that in the future mankind resorts to some universally accepted and approved onesie spandex suit, usually made of a space-age shiny gray material. Here we are on earth walking around in hip-hugging space blankets, fighting the naked aliens. Of course, Al Gore invents the space suit, which he knows we need on account of the global warming issue.
What really separates us from the aliens is our ability to wear a pair of pants. Think about it. The spandex suit spells defeat. Pants spell freedom. Freedom to wear what we like, how we like and at what cost we like. The best of all pants are blue jeans.
Blue jeans as we know them originally came out of the mining camps of California, right around the year 1849. Levi Strauss gave them rivets, which strengthened them so that the miners could work all day in the rivers, in tough work pants that were also comfortable. They're weren't universally accepted as casual wear until about the '70s. This is mostly due to the fact that James Dean wore them in Rebel Without a Cause, inspiring the youth of the '60s to rebel against society and wear blue jeans. My old man says their jeans used to be banned from schools and theaters for representing the rebellious spirit.
Now days we have every kind of blue jean imaginable. They all serve relatively the same purpose, but everybody has their own style. Take skaters, for example. Back in my day skaters wore their jeans baggy and low for a very simple purpose. When you have a board flying every which way there are occasionally times when it hits a very private and sacred body part. The bagginess protects and cushions against such life-threatening blows. This is another reason why the trend of skinny jeans is disturbing among today's modern skateboarders.
Cowboys and trendy girls like to wear their jeans as tight as possible. They battle their jeans on every morning, something I could never do. Most girls and some scary boys know all the brands and types. There are different washes, cuts and stitching patterns, all representing something about the legs that wear them. I don't really know any of this, mind you, but I've heard rumors the differences exist. My girlfriend knows which jeans to wear to make your butt look good, or to show off your legs. She knows the stitching, the prices of the stitchings, and what stitchings say you didn't pay a very high price to have your jeans sewn together. Some people don't want to pay the price for the stitching so they will gamble 6-8 months in orange polyester prison pants against the small odds of successfully thieving them from Nordstrom, or like-minded stores. My dad hates these people.
Me, I wear mine a little low. Ok, a lot low. Pretty, really low. I take some heat for it, but I'm not inclined to change. Unlike Mike, the levi jeans guy, I'm not out to make the world notice my butt. That is my prerogative, and I will separate myself from the aliens by taking advantage of it. I don't know what the stitching on my butt pockets says, but I know they are some comfortable pants. I could sleep in my jeans and not miss a beat. Sometimes I run in jeans, other times I sit in my jeans. They are very durable. Thank you Mr Strauss, you riveted my pants so I don't have to buy more for a long time. I even wear my pants as intended. See Strauss and company marketed them to be worn as a sort of waist overalls without straps, a.k.a. loose and low. Let the aliens look and be jealous.
When the day comes that the spandex suit is voted into being I will resist all day and night to keep my pants. Everybody wearing the same suit won't scare away the naked aliens. What the aliens really want is our pants. Pure and simple. They are the best for symbolizing rebellion against conformity. That's why everybody has them. That's why aliens want them. A pants-wearing rebellion will always trump a pant-less invasion.
So pay more attention to your pants. Thank them for your freedom, and the way they express it so willingly.
No comments:
Post a Comment